squinting to see

If you are reading this, know you are meeting me in the middle. During sessions, my counselor would often say, ‘Leesh it’s time to shift perspective. Who is God and what is the story?’. I can tell you whilst in the valley awaiting the joy that will come in the morning, God is the Shepherd and Author, and this story isn’t finished. 

From February to June, I was in my first serious relationship as an adult. You did read that correctly. In the E I G H T years I’ve lived in New York, I’ve dated, but there was never anyone I’d even consider taking home to meet the family. Things were light and fun or nonexistent. This city is like that, you’re either meeting a trillion people or no one. Anyway, I was beyond hopeful, when a man of quality came. I remember thinking (and still do) he was absolutely sent to me. Solid and sure of himself, a quiet confidence that pursued me with intent. We talked and laughed, finding all the bright and beautiful places around the city. I could see a real future with him and we took up space in each other’s worlds. I was me and he was him. It is truly miraculous to show up as  yourself and be appreciated, be seen. Deep feelings were taking root. And I found myself praying harder, longer, seeking. I knew we were both serious but why didn’t I have full peace? Commitments were taking shape, hearts swelling with a deepening affection. However, I needed clarity. Because if I had a list, nearly everything was checked. I had never met anyone like him. Handsome and patient, kind and generous, funny and explorative, serious and safe.

So what was keeping me from the very clear future I imagined?

I fasted. And prayed. Went to a gospel concert. And rather suddenly, God made it clear. 

We weren’t in the same space spiritually. He had longed, prayed to be with someone who would bring him back to God. I had prayed to partner with someone who was already after God’s heart. And that was the beginning of the hardest assignment I’d received so far: 

To release him, back to God. To let him go, and trust the Lord. 

The man I still find no real ‘fault’ in. Because I can’t be the reason for his or anyone else’s relationship with God (and nor can you). The novelty of ‘me’ would have worn off and what then? I didn’t have freeing peace because I was parched looking for a sip from a well that hadn’t been dug deep yet. 

Could I have stayed? Absolutely. I wanted to. I struggled. Still do some days. But, I have built my life on honoring God in all things, in every way. So what do I do? Trust God, and venture off of the boat? Wade into the unknown or paddle back to the sand?

With tears streaming, my body weighed down with grief and disappointment, I dove into the deep. And my life hasn’t been the same since. 

Because now I am trusting God with the lights off. There is no rulebook for heartbreak, and the disappointment seeks to swallow. There are only balms for wounds from the suffering servant who is well acquainted with grief. 

Maybe you’re in a similar place.

Facing (or enduring) difficult(ies) of varying degrees. I want you to know you are not alone. Let me share a few stones I’ve found here at the base of the valley. Little diamonds I wish I had in the rough when the descent was imminent, the sacrifice still breathing, my heart aching, and the obedience excruciating.

Do the hard thing God has told you to do. 

Whatever God has told you to let go of, set it down. And keep setting it down. Uncurl your fingers and thoughts and release it. If God has instructed you to go, be on your way. If God told you to stay, then set up a home base. Whatever it is, do it now. To prolong isn’t waiting, it’s disobedience. Psalm 119:60 says ‘I made haste and delayed not to observe your commandments’. There is a reason we shouldn’t sit idle. To linger is to be of two minds, to linger is to make a bed for doubt with fear as it’s pillow. Do not delay, it costs now but will cost more with each passing moment. Trust the Lord.

Go through and not around. 

Whether dealing with loss, grief or disappointment, you must go through it. When we try to sidetrack the depth of our feelings we are only prolonging the suffering. Scripture says God is ‘close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit’. Go through being close to God, curious of the story He seeks to unfold.

You are not alone. EVER. 

I was online recently and Jackie Hill Perry had made a post on instagram that said:

– this really sat with me because of the simply complex truth that God describes himself as Emmanuel: God WITH us. He is with you in what feels like a dumpster fire of a mess.

Lean into community. 

Honorable mentions specifically for my sister, brother-in-love and bestfriend. I would not have survived these past few months without them. They sat through every “why…how…i can’t…i don’t understand…but how…” They pointed me back to Christ with annoying consistency. They reminded me of who God is, who I am, and what the story was. They planted every tear like seeds of sanctification. They prayed. They spoke truth to doubt, built my faith when fear shook the walls of my heart. They mourned with me and washed me in the word when my eyes were swollen with sorrow. My family and other dear friends covered me in prayer and made sure I got out of bed. They spent time with me when the dark threatened to overwhelm. Most importantly, they illuminated the light of Christ when I didn’t have the strength to. I will always be grateful for each of  you. 

Freedom is expensive, and you are not cheap.

Following God is not without its scars. We were never promised a life with no trouble or heartbreak. The bible is full of people who faced heartbreak of every kind for us to reflect on in our own humanity. We want the freedom but have no fight. Jesus said ‘in this world you WILL have trouble. But take heart! For I have overcome the world.’ The Bible later on says ‘Count it all joy, my brothers,when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.’ Whatever you’re facing right now, it is creating steadfastness. There will always be room for fruit in every struggle we face if we shift our perspective. These two verses alone tell us to know that tests of trouble will come, but to remain standing on the Rock, our firm foundation of the Lord as he has overcome it all. “Freedom will (sometimes) look bloodied, bruised, hurt but unbowed. We will all have to pay the tax to taste freedom”. This is your exodus.

Declare War/ship!

The bible talks about God ‘setting a hedge of protection around us’ to protect us and I think similarly we can do the same. Put on the full armor of God and stand. Read your bible, fill up on truth. If you can’t read it, listen to it. I wrote bible verses on flashcards and taped them to the wall I face when I lay down in bed. I needed to go to sleep and wake up to what God says to me. Sing praise and worship to your own weary soul. If you can’t sing, play it over yourself. Pray without ceasing. My own prayers were sometimes simple “Jesus”, “I need you Lord”, “Father come quick” etc until the words came. Record the journey. It won’t feel like you’re going anywhere until you are. Disengage from the internet, get away from the noise. Snapshots of other people’s lives will serve at “best” only as a distraction. 

Take your time.

We don’t know how long these seasons are. Be patient and kind with yourself. More likely than not, whatever difficulty you find yourself in, you’ve never faced it before. A valley is defined as a low area of land between hills or mountains, typically with a river or stream flowing through it. Before looking up that definition, I would’ve only known the first half of it. But there’s beauty in knowing that a river or stream can be found there. This signifies that although I am at a low place, there is life still present here. 

God wastes nothing.

What is bitter now, will be made sweet. In Romans it says ‘And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a] have been called according to his purpose.’ Everything we endure, especially the hard things God calls us to do, MUST be made good. We may not have a timestamp on the when but we do have the covenant of God’s word. All things, ALL THINGS, God will work for our good. If it’s not good, God’s not done yet. God is not a man that he should lie, so we have confidence that God will finish what He began. There will be a great exchange where we will have ‘beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he may be glorified.’ Every seed sown in tears will be harvested for joy.

His ways are untraceable.

It is natural to want to turn over every stone looking for an answer in the rubble. Instead, collect the stones. If you’re anything like me you’ll want to make sense of what is going on. Pro tip: Search for God AND answers. A direct ‘answer’ may not come, but God will always be present. I was taking a shovel looking through my bible to dig out a more meaningful answer as to why I was going through all this heartbreak. And in the forward to the book of Isaiah this was written: “in God’s program of progressive revelation, details of (different prophetic) relationships awaited a prophetic spokesman of a later time.” This SLAPPED me because I was demanding full answers right away. When in reality, the writer here gave this simple yet shocking reminder: God’s revelation is progressive and of a program or plan. Therefore it is in God’s nature to reveal Himself and his plan over time. It’s up to me to wait at his feet, with the stones I collected along the way. 

Be honest.

The things I wrote/prayed/thought/said to/about God were INSANE. The anger and disappointment lit a fire for some of the most honest conversations I’ve had with God. And He handled it, handled me. He let me convey my real feelings honestly without abandon. I won’t be reflecting or rereading certain parts for a long time because of how raw it was. If God is really omniscient (He is), sis He already knows anyway. unLeesh yourself.

The word of the Lord will never fail – Luke 1:37

Expect doubt. Of yourself, of God, of your hearing, of His word. Like Eve, I can hear the whispers from the garden, “did God really say…….?”. But, like Jesus, I fight with the Word, sharper than any two edged sword. The word of the Lord will never fail. Never forget what God has personally promised you. God’s promises are not like ours. They are covenants. Sacred agreements made between God and his people. What God has promised us as His people will come to pass. What God has promised you individually will come to pass. Send doubt and its echoes back to hell and never relinquish what has been set for you. 

Be grateful.

Consciously take account of at least 3 things you are grateful for each day. Different things if possible. Be diligent. To see only the garbage and not the grace is painfully shortsighted. Look for the stream in the valley.

God knows what the loss has cost you.

Where the anger burns and the apathy seeks to set in. I was (and still am to a certain degree) still feeling the loss of this relationship among other things. Few things look the way I had imagined. But I am not alone. Nor are you. The light will always overwhelm the dark. We serve the God of covenant. He is a Good Father and Good Shepherd, and this story is not yet finished. Lift your eyes, wait and see. I am currently at the ‘to’ in glory-to-glory. And I will testify again later when this testing valley transitions to testimony.

God must turn these ashes into brushstrokes for something beautiful. Like charcoal on this canvas of a body.

And I will be found counting it all joy, even if I have to squint.